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This movie pissed me the frick off! ZERO POINT FIVE STARS!

3 A$$ES INCOMING!! BE WARNED, ALL WEAK-MINDED!

I had no plans to see this, but my friends were all going in a big pack and I missed them a lot. Shoutouts to Brayden! He put a considerable percentage of his soul into this awesome album!

O.K. so my main problem with the movie was the script just sucked ass [1]. Like it was just annoying and had no setup and no payoff for anything and was just things happening for 90 minutes. Alex (not minecraft, real) said it felt like it was written by ChatGPT. Which was scarily accurate. And also she’s an English major so you should probably listen to her.

The opening was like an exhausting run-on sentence.

Steve is a guy IRL and he’s like I’m Steve and I wanted to play in the mines when I was 8 but I couldn’t and then now I’m 30 something and I work in an office and I don’t like it and so I quit and went back to the mines and I started mining and I found a glowing cube and I found a portal that took me to Minecraft and I had fun doing Minecraft things because I could be creative and build stuff and I found a dog and named him Dennis and the Nether is like hell full of pigs and there’s an evil sorcerer pig who hates creativity and then she captured me and took the orb because it’s powerful and then I gave the orb to Dennis and told him to bring it back to the real world and hide it somewhere.

IT’S MIND-RENDINGLY BAD!! Like it’s implied later in the movie that Steve was a creative kid and got bullied or something, but we get none of that! All we see is him 8 years old, standing outside a mineshaft, saying I yearned for the mines, and then an angry old man comes out and chases him off.

And like, it’s funny absurdist humor for sure. There were funny stupid jokes spaced through the thing and I had a laugh or two. But you gotta balance stupid-ass [2] jokes with some kind of wit and some kind of attention to detail or it’s just nonsense.

Especially in a MOVIE!! you gotta give some ground to stand on for 90 minutes! You gotta set some stuff and pay it off! There were so many random little things that in any normal movie would’ve meant something and later been paid off . Again and again I was just left standing there feeling like an ass [3] hole for paying attention and remembering something that felt like setup and the movie just forgot about it.

It felt like it was written by children except without the creativity or charm. So it’s just a terribly organized mess where stuff happens and ideas are introduced whenever it popped into the writers head and soon forgotten. Where the world and characters make no sense at all.

My other problem was the visuals. This movie was shot in the most boring way possible. It would taken dozens of fingers to count the amount of shots in the Minecraft world that looked like this. Actors spaced evenly apart across the screen, integrated into the CG in the cheapest way possible.

I did like what they did with the visuals a lot. The artists seemed to have a lot of fun with the pig people in the Nether, sweeping shots of dozens of characters bustling and interacting and I think the realistic style was really cool on all the monsters.

I was not impressed with the animals. The only ones you see in any detail are one pink baby Sheep and one Llama and the ugly-cute-WTF art style is just so uninteresting. The creatures are so chill in the game they could’ve made them ugly but whimsical, but instead it’s ugly and LOOK AT ME HOW WEIRD AM I!!!!

They were very lazy about making models too. Like they could’ve at least recolored the sheep’s wool and had multiple of them but it’s the same pink sheep every time there’s a sheep. And there’s scenes with giant crowds of monsters and it’s all exactly the same model. Like make 5 slightly different Creepers instead of copy and pasting the same model 300 times.

So yeah that’s my rant… don’t go watch the movie unless you’re inebriated. Actually please don’t give them anymore money.

I feel kinda sad that the only time people go to theaters is for weird meme stuff like this. Like in years past whatever movies were in theaters got a little spotlight in culture for a moment. But now we can just watch anything and everything from anywhere and we’re in our own little worlds of what our algorithms feed us. A show comes out and everyone either doesn’t watch it or watches all 26 episodes in three days.

I’m not even old but I feel old dammit…

🐒See you next post!🐒